Harribel and Nelliel's Bogus Adventure
by PatsFan1
Summary: This is what happens when you leave a portal open. Things get WEIRD.


Harribel and Nelliel's Bogus Adventure

Part 1: The Adventure Begins!

-Somewhere in Hueco Mundo

"Are you sure she's here, Ms. Harribel?" "Yes, Apacci, I am. Right there, with the sweater." "Alright, lemme park this sucker." Tier Harribel stepped out of the vehicle. She approached the figure, and proceeded to grab their hood. "Hey!" exclaimed the figure. "Why are you wearing that?" asked Harribel. Nel was wearing a sweater designed after the Pokemon Virizion, complete with the hood resembling its head. She also had boots resembling its hooves in design. "That Santa Shinigami got it for me after he made a crack about my chesticles, said it was super cheap too!" said Nel. "Santa Shinigami?", thought Harribel.

"Wait, what happened to your horns?" "Oh, Mr. Hat n' Clogs found a way for me to take them off! He was super-nice about it too!" A cartoonish thought balloon appeared above Harribel, as an image appeared of Nel's Fracciones, Pesche and Dondochakka, holding Kisuke Urahara at gunpoint while Nel sneered menacingly. "Er, regardless..." began Harribel, "I need your help."

"You see, me and my Tres Bestias have claimed Las Noches as our own, and we are hoping to bring as many Arrancar there as possible. Rebuilding ourselves after the Aizen debacle has been our top priority. And we were hoping that you would help us." Pesche and Dondochakka suddenly appeared next to Nel. "How many people did you ask before us?" asked Pesche. "Where did you two come from?!" asked a surprised Harribel. "I asked you first." The Tres Bestias, Emilou Apacci, Francheska Mila Rose and Cyan Sung-Sun, appeared next to Harribel. "And then she asked you in response, dipshit." said Apacci. "When did you three get out of the RV?! You couldn't warn me beforehand?!" demanded Harribel. "We are ever so careful not to disturb you, Sensei." said Sung-Sun. "How many times have I told you not to call me that?" "71 at my last count, milady." responded Mila Rose.

"Anyways, if you have to know, you aren't the first people we asked." said Apacci. A thought balloon appeared above her head, as responses from Ichigo Kurosaki (crosses his arms and yells "NO!"), Ryuko Matoi (gives the middle finger and says "Bite me."), and Eren Jaeger (swings away using 3D Maneuvering Gear saying "Nothing to do here.") played out. "Regardless of anything else, you held my rank at one point. I know of your abilities. Will you assist me?" asked Harribel. "Okie-dokie~." replied Nel. "R-really? That easy?" "Uh-huh, why not? Might be fun." "Okay then..."

"So what was that about an RV?" asked Dondochakka. "Well..." began Mila Rose as she moved out of the way, revealing their vehicle: an RV with "Keikaku Kruiser" written in stylized writing along the side, with an image of Sosuke Aizen lying on top of it. "Our former employer's secret method of transport." said Sung-Sun. "Whatever your first impression is based on the outside, oh believe me, it's so much worse."

The Arrancar boarded the Kruiser. "Holy bejeez." said Pesche. Images of Aizen in romantic poses adorned the inside. "Told you." said Sung-Sun. Pesche sat in the driver's seat. A keychain of Aizen's face hung from the mirror. "Uggggh..." murmered Pesche. Apacci sat in the passenger's seat. "Ya know how to drive this thing?" she asked. "Of course! I'm Hueco Mundo's Demolition Derby champion five years running!" "Yeah, well, you know how to drive a car you're not supposed to wreck?" "...shall we ride?" He stepped on the gas and they drove off.

As they drove off, a figure watched through binoculars from a higher position. "Well...looks like I'm in for a weird one today." "So what, are you complaining? Ya wanna back out?" asked a deep voice over a transmitter. "Hm? 'Back out'? Do you understand who you're talking to?" "Oh yeah yeah...'Deathstroke the Terminator' and all that loveliness. Just making sure we're still on the same page." "Well, we can't really say we're on the same page when you've stuck me with-" A figure suddenly sprung up behind Deathstroke and grasped him tight. "Sladey, buddy, where ya been? I thought I lost ya! I stopped to take a leak and then the next second you were gone!" "Ugh, Deadpool...you didn't think that might've been intentional?"

Deadpool, ignoring him, grabbed Deathstroke's binoculars away. "Hmm? Those the bozos we're gonna go after? Anyone with a nice ass?" "If there were, why the hell would I tell you?" Deadpool grabbed the transmitter away. "Yo, scary mysterious intercom voice dude, we going after someone with a nice ass?" "Give me that!" demanded Deathstroke. "See, you messed it up, you idiot! Can't you keep it together for two seconds?" "Nnnnnegative, ghost rider." "God damn it, Wade, if we're gonna be doing this together, you can't go messing up our HIGHLY EXPENSIVE equipment all willy nilly, you hear?" "Aye aye, Deathstroke-senpai!" "Lovely. Now let's move. It's a land of monsters, and I'm not in the mood to find out what kind." "Well, if they're high-leveled enough, we can always grab our Skells!" "Skell? The hell...never mind, let's go."

The two assassins moved out. Thus began a collision course towards the fated battle...or something like that.

Lord have mercy.

Part 2: Titans Assemble

Deathstroke and Deadpool stopped to communicate with their client. Deathstroke began to repair the communicator while Deadpool went to use the bathroom again (too many chimichangas, it seems). After a while, Deathstroke managed to get the com-line back up. "There we go...hey, you there? Sorry about the screw-up-" "No need. In fact, the extended silence gave me ample time to realize something." "Yeah? And what would that be?" As their client explained their realization, Deadpool returned. "Ugh, Sladey! You have NO idea how much trouble I went through, this weird dog with a boney mask kept trying to bite my ass while I was taking a leak! You'd think trying to do my business would be easier in a monster-filled wasteland, but noooooo-" "Wade, could you shut your trap for maybe two minutes? We've got a nice little surprise coming." "Wuzzat? More guns? A cake? A second season of _Firefly_?" "Reinforcements."

A portal appeared before the two assassins, as two figures stepped out: one wearing a white cloak, blue costume and a skull-shaped mask, and the other being rather large, with black clothing, a dark mask, and what looked to be chemical canisters strapped to his back. "Never fear, kiddies, the Taskmaster is here." said the figure with the skull mask. "Tasky, ol' buddy! I haven't seen ya in weeks! Where ya been?" said Deadpool. "Um, in the hospital? After you, y'know, stabbed me in the leg?" "Oh, yeah, that's right! But I had to. You were trying to take the last cheesy puff." "Dude, it was MY bag of cheesy puffs!" "Well that's not how I remember it." Deathstroke walked over. "Oh, good. A friend of Wade's. This can only mean good things." "Lookie here, 'Terminator'. Just cuz I hang around this doofus doesn't mean I don't know my shit." "I'll take your word for it. And then there's you...Bane." "How many times must I remind you, one-eyed fool? I am going by _El_ Bane, now." responded the large one. "Yeah, let's not." said Deathstroke. "Ooh, ooh, I know this one!" said Deadpool. " _When the 4th Wall is ashes, you have my permission to-_ " he began before Bane punched him in the face. "Die." said Bane.

"So, where's our ride?" asked Taskmaster. Deathstroke pointed at a worn-looking taco truck with Deadpool's face scribbled on it, as well as a heart with the name "Bea Arthur" written in it. "You've gotta be kiddin'." responded Taskmaster. "Can I even fit in that worn piece of _mierda_?" added Bane. "Only one way to find out!" said Deadpool gleefully. "Yaaaay. All aboard the Misery Machine." said Deathstroke grimly.

The quartet drove off in the direction of the Keikaku Kruiser. Deathstroke drove (no reason to trust Deadpool's driving ability) with Deadpool in the passenger's seat, with Taskmaster and (somehow) Bane in the back. "Right, time to explain the scenario, gentlemen. Wade, pull up the transmitter." The transmitter brought up holographic images of the Arrancar. "These seven are running around this hellhole looking for allies, and our client wants us to stop them by any means necessary. Normally, men of our abilities wouldn't be able to lay a scratch on any of them, but thankfully, our client thought ahead. Those weapons you're sitting next to have been specially designed to cause enhanced damage to any spiritual being-especially the Arrancar. Also, I trust that our client made sure you were...outfitted accordingly?" " _Si_." responded Bane. "What's the rest of this junk?" asked Taskmaster. "Just some stuff Wade found lying around. Might fetch a pretty penny back home. Worth a try." responded Deathstroke.

Taskmaster looked at one of the boxes of items. Inside was a small, blue-purple orb. Intrigued, he snuck it into his pocket.

"How dangerous are these maskless ones?" asked Bane. "Very." responded Deathstroke. "The green-haired one and the one covering her mouth were formerly top-ranked members of the Arrancar army. Their underlings aren't slouches either. They're probably coming up with battle tactics right about now..."

Meanwhile, in the Keikaku Kruiser, the Tres Bestias were looking at the back room of the RV-a 70s-style bedroom with a disco ball and numerous pictures of a half-naked Aizen sitting in sexual poses. "What..." "The hell..." "Is this...?" they said one after the other. "It's your new living quarters!" said Dondochakka. "Hell to the no!" said Apacci angrily. "Not in that shit we won't, you Scooby-Doo reject!" added Mila Rose. Sung-Sun continued staring at the room in disturbed amazement as the other two Bestias berated Dondochakka, who began crying loudly. Harribel sat on a fold-out bed in the middle of the RV while Nel, next to her, slept loudly. "How very ladylike." Harribel thought. "Well, hopefully this operation goes smoothly. Although...it never does, does it?"

Several miles behind them, Deathstroke's group followed the Kruiser's trail.

Part 3: The Derp Knight Returns

The Kruiser stopped in front of an unsavory-looking building. The half-unlit sign read "The Hollowed Hole". "This place looks rather...R-rated." said Pesche. "Regardless, according to my sources a former Espada is supposedly here. Whether that's Grimmjow, Gantenbainne, or...whomever." said Harribel. "But who among the survivors would even come to a place like this, Sensei?" asked Sung-Sun. "First of all, what did I _just_ tell you about calling me that? Secondly, given that the only men who would be here would be on poles...*shudders* Right, let's go." "Wait, poles?! Oh God, wait Nel, you musn't-" yelled Pesche. "Oh, don't worry about me~!" said Nel as she left the RV. "That cheerful tone only makes us MORE worried!" said a panicked Dondochakka.

The female Arrancar entered the building. Surrounded by scantily clad male dancers, Sung-Sun began blushing. "This really isn't the sort of place we should be in." she said. "Aw, quit yer bellyaching. Where's the bozo we're after anyway?" said Apacci. Harribel glanced around. Her eyes widened. "Oh...oh, no. What is this now...?"

Twirling around a green pole was a morose looking man, with bat wings and black fluid leaking from his eyes. Ulquiorra Cifer, in his Segunda Etapa. "This can't be..." said a stunned Harribel. Ulquiorra stopped. "Oh...it's you." he muttered in a gothic voice. Harribel noticed that he had a construction paper heart crudely taped over his Hollow hole. "Ulquiorra...Cifer?" "Well, my work name nowadays is 'Lollipop', but yes." "But...you dissolved." "Yes." "Into nothingness." "Indeed." "And blew away like a dandelion." "Correct." "HOW ARE YOU ALIVE AND WHY ARE YOU WORKING AS AN EXOTIC DANCER?" "...I don't know. And I need the money." "Well, er, if you need the money you can always come with us..." "Thanks but no thanks. Last time I worked with you lot I got disintegrated for my trouble. And I actually make good money here. Most of it placed precariously in my rear end, but it's money."

Harribel began walking away. "Let's go. And tell Mila Rose to stop sticking Keikaku Kurrency in that man's underwear."

A few hours later, the mercenaries' van pulled up to the Hollowed Hole. "I can't believe you ate all those damn tacos, Bane. Don't you know that's a recipe for bathroom visits?" said Deathstroke. "Apologies, _amigo_ , I can usually hold my tacos better than this." said Bane. "That's what she said." added Deadpool. Bane ran inside the club. When he didn't return, Taskmaster became impatient. "How many of those damn things is he shitting out, anyway?! Hang on, I'll be right back..."

A few minutes later, a line had developed in front of the men's bathroom. "What's going on here?" asked Ulquiorra. "That skull-faced guy's buddy's been holding up the line." "Oh, has he now?" Ulquiorra walked up to Taskmaster, who was in front of the bathroom door. "Now listen here, Skeletor." said Ulquiorra as a surprised Taskmaster turned to look. "I have a manager and customer base both on the verge of collapse. Could you tell your friend to speed it up?" Taskmaster looked annoyed. "Look, this is a personal matter, and I've got it under control, so butt out, Hot Topic."

The bathroom door opened as Bane stepped out. "Ahhh...much bette-" Bane looked at Ulquiorra. "...BAAAAAAAAAAT!" growled Bane. He grabbed Ulquiorra's tail and flung him against a wall. "Well somebody's cranky." grovelled Ulquiorra as Bane grabbed him again.

Outside, Taskmaster returned to the van. "Hey, where's Bane?" asked Deathstroke. "He'll be out shortly." answered Taskmaster. Suddenly the front door of the building came crashing down as Ulquiorra was flung through it. Bane lunged at him and grabbed him once more, tossing him around by the tail. "Ya think you could speed this up?" asked Deathstroke. "One moment." Bane raised Ulquiorra into the air, before bringing him down hard onto his knee, tossing him aside afterwards. He stepped back into the van. "Satisfied?" asked Deathstroke. "I have broken the bat. I am pleased." answered Bane. "Good. Cuz judging from that look on his face he certainly isn't." Ulquiorra rose up and snapped his spine back into place before glaring at the van. "DRIVE." demanded Taskmaster. The van sped off, as Ulquiorra took flight, formed an electrical spear, and gave chase.

Part 4: First Crud

The mercenaries' van continued its frantic pace, as the former 4th Espada continued his pursuit. "Is he still following us?!" asked Taskmaster. Deadpool was looking through a small telescope. "Eeyup. You'd think he'd be weighed down by all that angst but he's been at this a while." "Can't this piece of garbage go any faster?!" yelled Deathstroke. "Hey, you try upgrading this thing with my wage! I'd get galactic thrusters if I could but I can barely afford _brakes_!"

A short distance down the road, a figure finished setting up their trap, and went to hide. The van came screaming down the road, and as soon as it was in place, the shadowy figure pushed a button, setting off explosions underneath the van. The van went flying off the road and landed in a heap. Ulquiorra flew overhead. "Hmph. Looks like someone decided to derive me of my excitement. Oh well. The outcome is the same, anyways." Ulquiorra flew off.

The mercenaries crawled their way out of the van. "Well there goes six months worth of paychecks!" said Deadpool. "The hell was that?!" demanded Taskmaster. Suddenly, machine-gun fire echoed out and the mercenaries ducked behind the van. On the other side of the road, from behind cover, the shadowy figure stood. Orihime Inoue was wearing a red headband and military legwear. She was holding a machine-gun. "Say ello ta mah yittle frwend." she slurred. "The hell did she just say?" asked Bane. "I dunno, I don't speak deranged maniac." said Deathstroke. "Hey Wade, the hell is she saying?" "Oh, ha ha. You'd be breaking my heart if it wouldn't heal two seconds later, Sladey."

"Ahm taered a been a dahmsal en dis dress, now ahm gahna blast ahl a ya." Orihime slurred. "Oh, I see what she's doing." said Deathstroke as he rose from his cover. "Hey, lady, I'll have you know that I fought with the real John Rambo in 'Nam, and I don't recall him having milk jugs like that!" He ducked as soon as she continued shooting. "Ugh, this is gonna be a pain in the ass. Grab as many weapons as ya can. Looks like we've got a standoff on our hands."

A short while later, the mercs remained behind the van. Deathstroke was peering through binoculars, with Deadpool next to him. Taskmaster and Bane sat a short distance away, hiding behind a sand dune. "So Sladey, I've been coming up with some ideas for team names." said Deadpool. "Can't this wait?" responded Deathstroke. "Aw, come on, I'll rattle off some names and you can tell me what you think. Let's see...'The D-Team', no, too basic...'Night Raid', no, already taken...'Deadpool and his Inferior Lackeys'-" "OK, look Wade, I've been putting up with you up to this point but now I can't keep my mouth shut any more. This is a serious mission here, and all you've contributed up to this point is frequent blather and a crappy van. I've taken down aliens, demons, even _demigods_ before, and I think I can handle this, too, but not with you screeching something stupid in my ear every three seconds. This is a serious job and if you won't take it that way, then I'll do it _on my own_." Deadpool stood in stunned silence for a few moments. "...are you breaking up with me?" he said in a serious tone.

"Uh-oh." said Taskmaster. "Is this about to get ugly?" asked Bane. "Let me put it like this...Wade's a nice enough guy...you'd just better hope you don't have to break up with him." "Why? Does he get bitter? Apologetic? Weepy? Belligerent?" "Yes."

Deadpool started angrily. "Now look here, patchy, you call me irritating, but you're no prize, either. Or are we just gonna ignore your incessant need to go to the little old fart's room every five minutes? You were just a _washed-up old geezer_ when I found you. I didn't mean that, I've always admired you, always looking so cool. I just don't know how you do it and, and...*sobbing* how did we even get to this point unless-" He became serious once more. "There's somebody else, isn't there? Oh, there it is. That's how it ALWAYS is. Did you find someone you like more than me, Slade? Someone _pro-fe-ssion-al_? Well? Who is it? SAY SOMETHING!" Deathstroke stood in shock.

"Damn." uttered Taskmaster. "Well that was...something." added Bane. "However, there is one thing you must understand, my skeletal friend, and it is that Slade Wilson is a master of many things. Including getting control of ugly situations."

Deathstroke was holding Deadpool and consoling him. "Oh, Sladey, all I wanted was your approval..." "Yeah, yeah...look, kid, sorry if I was hard on ya. Years of dealing with kids in colorful tights-some of 'em my own kids-makes me a bit impatient. We can talk about this later if you want. For now, though, ya wanna waste this chick with me?" "Boy, would I!" "Very good."

Orihime peered over her cover. "Tha hell ahr they doin'?" she slurred. Deadpool jumped on top of the van. "Yoo-hoo! Hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Over yonder!" he yelled. Orihime pulled out her gun and shot Deadpool multiple times. As he fell, Orihime carefully moved over to his body. As she looked over him, she was shocked to see his wounds quickly closing up. "Aw, sunuva-" Deathstroke leapt from his cover and delivered a kick to the back of her head, knocking her aside. He pointed his rifle at her. "Game over, Barbie." Orihime looked around, before quickly taking out a small circular object and throwing it on the ground, creating a large smoke cover. "Ya havint seen da lahsta me!" she uttered. After the smoke cleared, she had vanished.

Taskmaster and Bane emerged from their cover. "She gone?" asked Taskmaster. "Yeah. She's gone. Now we can get back to work." said Deathstroke. Deadpool rose back up. "Ooof, yay. Just one thing..."

"The van's wrecked. How're we gonna get moving?"

Part 5: The Best Time You Won't Remember

The Keikaku Kruiser continued its journey down the long, empty road. Pesche continued driving, as the others occupied their time differently. "Ugh...feels like there's been nothing but sand for miles." said Apacci. "Isn't there a bar or something around here?" added Mila Rose. "Let me look at the map..." said Harribel. "Let's see...it appears that we're only a few miles from...sand. And more sand. And after that _more_ sand." Pesche continued driving, eventually catching sight of some lights. "Well, unless Hueco Mundo found a way to produce glowing sand, here's something."

The RV stopped in front of the establishment: a giant pink boat. The Arrancar stared in amazement. "'Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat'...uhhhhh..." uttered Apacci. "Yay~!" said Nel and her Fraccion emphatically as they ran inside. "Ms. Harribel...you can't be serious..." said Mila Rose. "Well...ummmm...look at it this way, there might not be anywhere else for miles. I'd take any opportunity that arises...no matter the appearance." "Hmph...as always you think of the positives, milady." said Mila Rose.

"What do you mean you don't serve alcohol?" Harribel asked the waiter-a yellow-skinned man who was hunched over. He had a Hollow mask fragment covering his left eye. "I meant what I said, lady. Don't want any lawsuits or nuthin'." "Look here...Moe-if that IS your real name-I am the sitting ruler of Hueco Mundo, so when I ask that my comrades have ice cream with alcohol, _I expect ice cream with alcohol_." "...Alright, look, I can set you up easy, just let me get my best stuff." "I though you said you didn't have alcohol." said Sung-Sun. "No, I said we don't _serve_ alcohol. Don't mean we don't _have_ it."

A short while later, the Fraccion were all sitting at a table-all five of them wearing peanut-shaped hats. They were giggling and blushing. "So, like, you make light-thingies come from your sword n' stuff?" grovelled Apacci. "Uh-huh, I'm basically a Jedi." grovelled Pesche. "Watch." He made a choking motion with his hand and Dondochakka grabbed his own throat in response. The Tres Bestias giggled. Harribel and Nel were watching from their own table. "Looks like some people don't know how to hold their alcohol." said Harribel.

"By the way, Nel, how is it that you aren't even mildly inebriated right now? I've seen you scarf down 3 bowls already." "Simple, I don't get drunk easy~." "Hmph. Seems almost like it's a requirement for Espada to be able to hold their drinks. The one that probably was most unaffected was that blasted Nnoi-" Harribel stopped as she felt the iron blade of a Zanpakuto touching her leg. Nel's demeanor suddenly changed. "I don't mean to be so forward like this, but would you mind not mentioning that name in my presence again?" "...of course. My apologies. I had forgotten." said a surprised Harribel.

Moe suddenly appeared at the table. "Here ya go greenie. Five more servings, like ya asked." "Oh, goodie~!" Nel began scarfing them down. Harribel stared in amazement. "Inconceivable. One minute she's pressing a sword to my leg and the next she acts as if nothing occured. I don't know whether to be impressed or terrified." she thought.

At a nearby table, a figure in a white hood sat, watching the two 3rd Espadas. He began to rise from his seat, only for his larger companion to grab his arm. " _Aye dios mio_ , man, just don't. What do you hope to accomplish?" Nearby, Nel rose from her seat. "Oof, there we go. Time to pay the little Hollow's room a visit~." She left, and the hooded man followed after. "Dude...oh, dammit." said his companion. As the hooded man followed after, Harribel observed his movements. "What is this now..." she pondered.

Nel went outside the building. The hooded man followed. "What is she doing? Going outside when there's about three bathrooms in that damn boat. Unless..." Nel stopped dead in her tracks. "If you think I hadn't noticed you by now, you're sadly mistaken." she said. She turned around to face him. "I know why you've followed me, Tesra. And I can tell you right now that you will accomplish nothing here." The hooded man unsheathed his blade. "So says you." he uttered. He ran towards Nel.

"This is for Nnoitra-sama...!" he yelled, as he began to swing his blade.

Part 6: Ain't No One Gonna Cut Me Down, Not Today, Not Today

Tesra stood stunned. Nel was stopping his blade with her bare hand. Before he could do anything else, she proceeded to knee him in the stomach, before knocking him completely off balance with a blow to the back of his neck. She held him on the ground with her foot. He struggled, but couldn't budge. Harribel walked outside. "Take his sword." said Nel. Harribel complied. "Soon as I lift my boot, grab him." Harribel did so, restraining him as he continued struggling. "Let me go...!" he yelled. "How about no." replied Harribel.

Tesra's companion stepped outside. "Aye aye aye. You just had to go after her, didn't you?" "Grrr...Gantenbainne, get her off me...!" "No can do, _amigo_." Gantenbainne walked over to Harribel. "Allow me, madame." "The hell are you doing?!" "Stopping you from making yourself look worse." Gantenbainne held Tesra back.

"Could we perhaps calm down for a few seconds to try to work this out?" said Nel. "There is nothing I have to-" Nel placed her Zanpakuto to Tesra's throat. "That's better. Now let's try it this way. I'll start. How did you survive Kenpachi Zaraki's attack?" "Hmph...it was the black-haired Shinigami...the one with the braids...she healed me...I don't know why but she did." "Very good. Now what are you doing here?" "Finishing what Nnoitra-sama couldn't." "And why would you want to do that?" "Because you murdered him. You and that demon with the eyepatch." "Do you realize that a bloody death was what he wanted?" "Yes...but...what he wanted was to finish you first-" "Why do you think he wanted me dead?" "Because...he thought..."

"Tesra...understand this." Nel moved in closer to his face. "Your master...was a misogynistic, battle-hungry sack of garbage who cared for nothing but blood and violence. He routinely smacked anyone around, including you. And he tried to attack me on a regular basis simply because he couldn't comprehend that a woman was stronger than he. Knowing how he was...you still want to follow his orders, even with his own pitiful death?" Tesra appeared surprised, but said nothing.

"Gantenbainne...let me go. I won't do anything." said Tesra. "Tesra...fine." He released Tesra from his grip. "...Nelliel." "Hm?" "...you know...I despised him too. But...the duty of the Fraccion...is to serve the Espada. What am I to do if I cannot fulfill my master's orders?" "Your master is dead, Tesra." "Yes, he is. And I live still. So there is the problem."

"...Tesra..." Nel began. "Ladies...I dislike having to interrupt but...we have a problem." said Gantenbainne. He motioned forward.

Standing before them was a large masked individual, holding up a van. Three other masked men were inside the van. "Bane..." said one of the men. "Put down the van. Men, grab your weapons. This might get messy."

Part 7: 20 Acres...or 43

Bane put the taco van down. "And who are you clowns supposed to be?" asked Harribel. "Doesn't matter who we are, lady, all that matters is what we're gonna do to-" began Deathstroke, before Deadpool leapt over him with an excited look on his face. "OMG, Goofy Goober's! Hang up , imma comin'!" he yelled, as he dug into Deathstroke's pocket, snatched his wallet, and ran jubilantly into the building. "Hey, what the-?! Dammit! Bane, get my wallet ba-" Bane burst forth. "Not a chance, one-eyed one! _Senor_ Goober awaits!" And so Bane sprinted into the building. Deathstroke stood in silence. A wind blew. Tumbleweeds.

"Is this some kind of travelling circus?" asked Gantenbainne. "Wouldn't explain the AK-47s." replied Nel. Deathstroke glared at his hands in shock. "Those bastards...grabbed MY wallet...to grab ice cream from a boat...in the middle of a monster-filled desert...on this damn mission where I don't even know who's paying me or why they want these creeps dead...and why there was a girl dressed like freaking Rambo running around here...and those bastards...are getting...ICE CREAM?! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Combine Harvester" by The Wurzels began playing as Deathstroke began performing numerous actions erratically: hitting himself with a newspaper while weeping; speaking to his hands as if they were handpuppets; trying to slit his wrist with the butt of his pistol; punching himself; hugging Bane's teddy bear while weeping; touching a small rock with a lightning symbol on it and saying "Why aren't you making me evolve into Raichu?!"; continuing to try to slit his wrists with a pistol; reading an iPad and saying "Wow, _My Immortal_ is so DEEP..."; and finally staring at the teddy bear intensely and saying "I will win this staring contest!"

After subsiding, Deathstroke slumped against the van, his mask off and with a dazed look on his face. "...OK...my happy pills have kicked in...the appropriate response to that line of questioning...is that clip from _Batman Forever_..." Deathstroke pressed a button and a TV screen emerged from atop the van, and played said clip. " _It just raises too many questions_." "...you tell 'em, Val Kilmer...you tell 'em..." With that, Deathstroke slumped to the ground, passing out.

Silence. More tumbleweeds. "I have no idea who this guy is." said Taskmaster. "I'm an Arran-whatever just like y'all. See, sword 'n mask 'n all!" The stunned Arrancar looked at each other in confusion. "Should we believe him?" asked Harribel. "I'm preeeetty certain he's lying out of his ass." added Tesra. "And I still have NO idea what's going on~!" added Nel. Harribel turned to Taskmaster. "Alright, look, your comrades are probably in there going insane with ours. Maybe we could sort this out without violence?" "Oh, trust me sweetheart, with those bozos involved there's gonna be violence. Buuuuuut, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try, just let me take care of this sad sack first." The Arrancar went inside. Taskmaster proceeded to drag and toss the unconscious Deathstroke into the back of the van. "Jesus, I'm gonna kill my back cuz of you bums. They don't pay me enough for this crap..."

Inside, Deadpool, wearing a peanut-shaped cap, sat alongside the Tres Bestias, who were looking at him longingly. "I like where this is going." he exclaimed.

Part 8: Return of the King

Bane, wearing a peanut cap, was regaling the Arrancar. "And so I twisted his skull out, slowly, taking pleasure in every lingering moment, and then, I converted his skull into a toilet seat!" The drunken Arrancar all let out a long "Wooooow". "Excuse me for misunderstanding, but aren't you costumed lot supposed to be more...joyous and uplifting than that?" asked Tesra. "Joy? Pfft. Somebody clearly hasn't seen _Man of Steel_." added Deadpool.

Taskmaster sat at a table with the former Espadas. "Before we begin," started Gantenbainne, "I believe we're missing somebody. Oh, waiter?" A waiter walked over. "The hell is-oh, fuck me." Grimmjow was wearing a Goofy Goober uniform and hat. "G-Grimmjow?!" said a shocked Harribel. "Don't 'Grimmjow' me. Guy has to make a livin' somehow." said Grimmjow. "And unlike a certain bat-freak, I don't feel like shoving my load into peoples' faces for money. So this was the only option." "Oh, how the mighty have fallen~." said Nel.

"Now, then, since we're all here save for one bat-person...shall we begin, Ms. Harribel?" said Gantenbainne. "Certainly. We're trying to bring in as many of the old guard as we can. We need to make sure that Hueco Mundo doesn't devolve into a state of complete disarray. And I think I know just how to do it." Harribel presented an image of a blue-purple spherical object. Taskmaster appeared surprised. "The hell is that...?" he asked, staring down at his pocket. "The Hogyoku...of course. But I thought Aizen...?" began Grimmjow. "The Hogyoku rejected Aizen as its master, remember? Now we have it here-under safe-keeping of course-and with its power we can unite Hueco Mundo at last." Taskmaster's interest was piqued. "And what power would that be?" "It can make it's wielder's desires become reality, but to what extent, who knows? As your red-clad friend would say, 'it's basically a big ol' Macguffin!', or something like that." said Nel. "Anywho, I gotta get some more of this ice cream, be right back!"

Suddenly, smoething came crashing through the cealing and landed before the Espadas. "Aw, come on, I just paid for that glass, dirtbag!" grumbled Moe. Ulquiorra rose up. "Where is that steroid-enfused imbecile?" Deadpool immediately pointed at Bane. " _Comemierda_." grovelled Bane. Ulquiorra formed a lance. "Prepare to face justice, worm-" Before Ulquiorra could react, he was hit by a stream of energy that pierced his shoulder.

Taskmaster was holding a pistol that was brimming with energy. In his other hand, he held the Hogyoku. Ulquiorra collapsed.

Taskmaster stood up. "Yer right about this sand-dump being unified, lady. Buuuut..." His eyes began glowing with power. "Consider it the 'United States of Taskmaster'."

Part 9: Absolutely No Way To Win

Heavy breathing. Tesra struggled to open his eyes. As he did, he saw the inside of the restaurant in ruins. He looked around. Arrancar lay about. He saw Nel on the ground, holding her head. He looked back and saw Taskmaster, Hogyoku in hand, standing above the defeated Arrancar, clutching Grimmjow by the throat. "Heh...that's one way to skin a cat." he gloated. He then tossed Grimmjow aside. Bane was next to him. "What is it you're hoping to do? Defeating them was the plan, but..." "Hey hey hey, don't be getting soft on me. Ya wanna be on easy street for life, or on the ground like them? Now help me get them together, will ya? Time to see what this thing can REALLY do..."

Tesra tried getting up. A figure approached him and grabbed his shoulder. Deadpool. "Shhh...grab greenie and get to the van. Whenever Slade wakes up, tell him everything. He'll come up with something for sure. I'll cover for ya." Taskmaster looked over. Tesra, holding Nel, used Sonido to escape. "Oh, no ya don't-" Deadpool produced a top hat and cane. " _Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my ragtime gaaaaal! Send me a kiss by wire! Baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey you lose me, and you'll be left alone, oh baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your oooooooown!_ " Taskmaster grabbed Deadpool by the throat. "Idiot! Ya turned soft on me, too, huh? Well, if this thing can make my wishes come true, it'll let me do THIS." The area around Deadpool's mouth turned to stone, spreading around his entire body until he was fully encased in rock. Taskmaster laughed. "I finally did it! I FINALLY shut that damn mouth of his! Won't be stealing MY cheesy puffs any time soon now, huh, jackass?!"

"I do not understand this at all...is Mr. Wilson not your friend?" asked Bane. " _Friend_?! Dude stabbed me in the leg over a damn bag of food that was MINE to begin with! And now, he gets to spend the rest of eternity as my own personal _garden statue_!" He picked up Ulquiorra by the throat. "All my damn life, I get my ass handed to me by those damn capes...all those years of gettin' told that copyin' moves doesn't mean jack if I can't copy _powers_...well, I think this more than levels the playing field, don't you think?" Ulquiorra opened his eyes, and spat in Taskmaster's face. The annoyed mercenary began eminating power from the hand he was holding the Arrancar with, and before long, Ulquiorra stood up, his eyes black and empty. He kneeled before Taskmaster. The mercenary looked at his hands as energy pulsated from them. He slammed the Hogyoku into his belt, which fused with the orb. Energy erupted from his hands as he enveloped the remaining Arrancar with it. Outside, Tesra drove off in Deadpool's van. All he heard from the building was the sounds of energy firing, and of the mercenary's deranged laughter.

Nel awoke in a panic. She was sitting around a campfire. She looked around and saw an unusual sight in Hueco Mundo: trees. Lots of them. "This is...the Forest of Menos...? How did I..." "You're awake, good." Tesra was standing next to her. "You've been out for a few days, now. We were beginning to think you weren't going to wake up." "We? Who..." Deathstroke (maskless) stepped forward. "Took you long enough. I was about to use you as bait for those giant cloaked things walkin' around." "Yes, well...at least you had a more subdued awakening than our good Mr. Wilson, here." Tesra recalled Deathstroke's awakening a few days prior, as the mercenary violently awoke, shouting, "Gerald, what'd I tell ya 'bout playin' that damn rock music while I'm nappin'!"

"What happened? Where are the others? Pesche and Dondochakka..." Tesra shook his head. "The skull-faced one...Taskmaster...he found the Hogyoku, and he used it to defeat the Arrancar. We're the only ones that escaped." "What happened to the others...?" "The little creep used that orb of his to turn everyone he defeated into his slaves. His own personal army of Arrancar." said Deathstroke. "He's set up shop in that castle of yours-Las Noches, was it?-and he's set about having them rearrange it into his own personal palace." Nel struggled to her feet. "How...how did we escape?" "Hmph...Deadpool saved your bacon. Distracted Tasky long enough that Tesra here drove us out of there. Got himself frozen for his trouble. Tch...and here I called the poor kid an idiot..." said Deathstroke.

"The van ran out of gas after we got a few miles away." began Tesra. "After that, we were saved by-" He was interrupted by someone jumping from the shadows and glomping Nel. "HI, NEL-CHAN~! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE AWAKE~!" "O-Orihime?! What're you doing here?! Dressed like THAT, no less?!" "Oh, woops, I mean, uh-hai, Nerl-chan, ahm so glayd yer awayke-" Deathstroke picked Orihime up by the strap of her tank top. "The Guidette Stallionette here found us on the side of the road and healed us up. Even then you've still been asleep for days." "Lemme go, ya big meenie-" Deathstroke put a gun to her head. "Knock off the accent or I'll introduce you personally to Mr. Apollo Creed, y'hear?" Orihime puffed up her cheeks and harumphed. "Meanie." she grumbled.

After a while, Nel spoke up. "Tesra. Why did you save me?" "Hm? What do you mean?" "Well a while before the metaphorical shit-excuse my language-hit the fan, you tried to ambush and kill me. Why save me from death?" Silence, and then: "...you were correct. I was foolish for trying to avenge the life of that lunatic. If we are to move on from the past, then whatever grudges I once held must dissipate for good." "Well, I'm glad to hear that." "Also, I didn't like him." "Neither did I." "He was an asshole." "Uh-huh." "He wore his underwear backwards." "Okay, where did that come-" "He had eyeballs for testicles." "Aaaaaand moving on."

"So what's the plan of attack?" asked Nel. "Well, from what you've all told me, this Hogyoku thing exudes Hollow-like energy. My guess is that if we hit it with something designed to kill Hollows, it should break, and the others'll be free." answered Deathstroke. "Isn't that more like guessing?" "Yeah. But with what we know about the damned thing, there's not much else I can think of. It can't be impossible to break. And with the Hollow-killing bullets I was provided before this, I should be able to get in close and take it out." "OK. So when do we do it?" "Couple days. Let everyone's bodies get back to 100%. Couple days and we put one between the little worm's eyes."

Two days later. The final confrontation approaches.

Part 10: Rocking the Peanut

Deathstroke peered at Las Noches through binoculars. "What in blue blazes..." Las Noches had been transformed into a Middle-Eastern style palace. "How very...Ottoman-esque." said Nel. "Alright, you all remember the plan, yeah? Keep him distracted. I'll be watching closely." "You do know that if this doesn't work, we're most likely done for?" "Yeah, but think of it from my perspective. I can still come back as one of you lot if I die. You all, on the other hand..." "How thoughtful." Nel, Tesra and Orihime walked towards the front of Las Noches, with Deathstroke following closely behind, hiding wherever he could. The doors opened. Pesche and Dondochakka forcefully brought the three inside. Nel bore a saddened expression at the sight of this. Deathstroke slowly followed.

The three were taken to a large throne room. Taskmaster sat in the shadows. "*sigh* what is it with these people and their thrones..." thought Nel. The other captured Arrancar lined the room leading up to the throne. Next to the throne was the petrified Deadpool. "So, you decided to make it easy on me and offer yourselves up, huh? Can't say I blame ya." said Taskmaster. "Oh, but before we begin..." He motioned his hand in a way that flung the door open...then dragged Deathstroke in from his hiding place. "Did ya think you would fool me with this stunt? Please." He rose up from his throne. Deathstroke grumbled. "Alright, you back-stabbing little swine, let's see what you WHAT IN THE NAME OF FORREST WHITAKER'S LAZY EYE IS THAT?!"

Taskmaster's entire body, save for his hands and face, were covered in beads. And those beads were covered up by a robe and turban. Deathstroke burst into laughter as the other three struggled not to laugh. "The hell're you laughin' at?!" demanded Taskmaster. "My God, man, you got up this morning and thought this was OK? You _chose_ to look like this?!" "Don't you start insulting the almighty Sultan, chump." "Pardon me, but with your mask, wouldn't you be...the _Skull_ tan?" asked Tesra. "Laugh all ya want, but I got all the power in this desert, and when I'm done here, you can bet yer ass I'm gunnin' for other worlds, too. I'll be swimming in gold, gold, and more gold for the rest of eternity!" "A-Are you _real_? Is this what you actually think the leadership of the Middle East is like? That's _adorable_!" said Orihime. They continued laughing.

Soon even the mind-controlled Arrancar were snickering. Finally, Taskmaster let out an angry roar as energy poured from his body. "You freaks think you're so damn funny, huh?! Well laugh at this!" He motioned his hands, and the Arrancar all drew their weapons, pointing them at the four prisoners. "Ya see, here's the difference-" Taskmaster lifted his robe to show the Hogyoku fused with his belt. "Why are you showing us your junk?" asked Orihime. "I'm not, smartypants, I'm showing you this!" He pointed at the Hogyoku. "Dude, stop pointing at your junk, you've made it clear from your wardrobe that you don't want any." "GRRRRR! I'm not gonna be laughed at by a couple of one-eyed freaks and some broads with racks bigger than Galactus' giant, purple, pimply ass! I'm gonna enjoy peeling you freaks apart, molecule by molecule!"

Taskmaster walked up to the four, stopping in front of Nel. "So, is that all we are, then? Freaks, as you say?" asked Nel. "Damn straight, greenie. And I'll make sure you go out like one." "Freaks...yes, alright then. I'm a freak. Green hair and all. And a kid, somewhat. No amount of denial and passive attitudes can change that. But do you know what else I am?" "The hell do I-" "I'm..." "Hey, settle down-" "I'm..." "Take it easy-" "I'M..." "The funckenwangle?!"

Nel suddenly sprung up, a visor over her eyes, and the force of the ensuing explosion sent Taskmaster flying. " _I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!_ " (ROCK)

Taskmaster flew screaming into a wall. " _YOU'RE A GOOFY GOOBER!_ " (ROCK) " _WE'RE ALL GOOFY GOOBERS!_ " (ROCK) " _GOOFY GOOFY GOOBERS GOOBERS_!" (ROCK)

" _Put your swords away, Well, lord Aizen's gone so so screw the rules and I'll fight my own way (way) My way_ "

" _I'm an airhead, you say, While honey I was number 3, I was number 3 out 10 (3) But I feel like number 1_ "

" _Dont go dissing me because I'm a lady, I kick butt and have big boobies_ "

" _Zababbabaabbababaababbabaab_."

" _I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!_ " (ROCK) " _YOU'RE A GOOFY GOOBER!_ " (ROCK)

Taskmaster rose up. "Ugggh...the hell's happening...huh?!" He observed the performance. "Rockin' dance moves, huh? Sorry, sweetheart, but not even that can top real power! SEIZE HER!" The Arrancar moved in on Nel. " _GOOFY GOOFY GOOBER GOOBER YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHH!_ " Another explosion sent the Arrancar flying.

Nel stood playing a guitar, and was dressed as a (somewhat provocative) viking. She began to float up, as Taskmaster's (and Deadpool's) eyes followed her. "WOOO!" shouted Orihime.

Nel continued playing the guitar intensely, before firing a beam from the guitar at an Arrancar, whose eyes returned to normal. "I'm free-I've been freed!" "Wha-" said a stunned Taskmaster. Nel continued freeing Arrancar with the beam. "NOOOOOO!" shouted Taskmaster. Nel proceeded to free the Bestias, Pesche, Dondochakka, Gantenbainne, and most of the remaining Arrancar. "MY HOLLOW MAGIC-!" yelled Taskmaster.

"Her chops're too righteous-! Not even the Hogyoku can handle this level of pure, unconcentrated rock n' roll...Bane, do something!" Bane was carried, jubilantly, by a crowd of Arrancar. "Bane...? GRRRRR...Aight, that's the LAST straw! Espadas, on my mark-" A blast hit the Hogyoku, shattering it into pieces. Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and Harribel were freed. Deadpool was unfrozen. "YIPPY-KAY-AY, MUTHAFUCKAS!" he yelled. "IIIII should get outta here." said Taskmaster. He ran for the door, but a crowd of Arrancar broke it open. "Look, it's the valkyrie who saved us!" "Outta my way, freaks-" The crowd stormed in, trampling Taskmaster underneath as he screamed in pain.

Later, Deadpool and Bane dragged a battered and bruised Taskmaster to the van. "C'mon, guys, I was just kidding! C'mon, you don't really think I'd dress like this and have it NOT be a joke, right? It's all hilarious yeah? Hehehehehe..." They tossed him into the back of the van and shut it. " _Can't you all take a joke?!_ "

Deathstroke stood holding his head. "Gah...My ears are gonna be ringing for days, now. Where's our little rockette, anyhow...?"

Nel sat on the throne, still dressed as a viking. Orihime stood next to her. "That was so badass, Nel-chan~! Got any plans for a repeat performance~?" "Hmmm...I suppose...but first...maybe some dessert?" "Alright~!"

And so the Arrancar and mercenaries drove to Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat, spending the rest of the day consuming ice cream to their heart's content. "Damn. Never had this much business before." said Moe. "Guess that means we're in for a heavy load...right, rookie?"

Taskmaster stood in a maid's outfit with a dissatisfied look on his face. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, bossman..."

Elsewhere, a figure watched with an amused look on their face. "Mmmmm~. So hard to find good help these days...oh well~..." Nui Harime smirked. "Guess it's back to the drawing board~."

END


End file.
